Inevitable Divorce

Facebook posting from August 11, 2012:

With hindsight, both parties would probably agree that divorce was inevitable. Both also agreed that it was the suntanning/branding incident that probably took it over the edge. Seems she was in the backyard ... suntanning ... in the nude ... asleep. He used some sunblock lotion to mark the letter "M" on her tush.

Once she realized what had happened, she claimed, "You Mbareassed me." He responded, "Yes, for "mine," but I "Y" bare assed your other tush for "yours."

It went downhill from there ...

My Concerned Congressman

Facebook posting from August 11,2012:

My congressman sent me a mailing and claimed that he wanted to know whcih issues were important to me. There were about 6 items to choose from that I could mark with a checkmark and mail back.

Interestingly, he didn't ask what my position was on any of those issues. One more indicator of how shallow our sound-bite society is becoming ...

Texas Longhorns

Facebook posting from August 8,2012:

Friend sent me an email providing a photo which explained the source of the Texas Longhorns logo. Apparently, it stems from the tan lines left by a thong on the backside of a rather beautiful female co-ed.

My response was that great classic rock and roll song: "Wild thong!! I think I love you ..."

Carpooling

Facebook posting from August 8,2012:

I recently was asked to go to a meeting at one of the prisons up north. I would have carpooled with several colleagues. I was worried about my driving if it would be at nighttime or through tunnels.

The darkness has me worried about carpool tunnel vision ...

Comments:
Deborah R Hopkins: Thanks I am at work and I needed a chuckle.

Suzi Obendorf Pipkin oh Kim.:)

Eating with Chopsticks

Facebook posting July 29,2012:

I had lunch at a Chinese buffet restaurant today. I was proud that I was again able to eat the whole meal using chop sticks instead of American silverware. But I have to admit, it was a bit tricky when eating chocolate ice cream for dessert!

Ode to a Sister

Facebook posting from July 28,2012:

Kathy, Kathy, Kathy ......

So now you have three new kittens ....

Will you never get over this temptation of yours that you repetitively succumb to with generation after generation of cats? Sure, they start out as these sweet, playful, fun-loving kittens -- some would argue, even innocent -- but then inevitably - eventually, they all become cats. Somehow, they all learn to obtain the cat attitude, the catty behavior, the catwalk, the superior attitude, etc., etc., etc.

When will you learn: -- cats cannot be saved from themselves? It is a law of nature that cats can't become anything else, but cats -- attitude and all. Sure they sometimes purr, and snuggle up to you to be petted, but sooner or later, you'll find the furniture that they sharpened their claws on, the pillow they "marked" with their scent, the hairball strategically placed for company to see, and a change in all of your other pets' temperament.

How often you have been taken in by their sweet facial expressions -- the caterwauling in the middle of the night, the incessant meowing when they aren't getting the attention they feel is owed to them, the wailing of dogs with freshly scratched noses. You simply shouldn't be fooled over and over with the outer appearance of a cat's face. Remember, inside that head is a deadly predator, willing to stalk and toy with its victims before ruthlessly finishing it off. Sure you see it on its back, playfully reaching out its paw for the piece of yarn dangle, but remember, for them, it is merely practice for when it will later use those deadly claws for its own dark purposes.

But you have had decades of interacting with cats, and rather than having finally learned, through all of the years of distortion and brainwashing, I fear that you are beyond salvation. Sadly, I have resigned myself to a fate of having an interminable "cat-lover" in the family, one who is beyond redemption.

So with sad resignation, I merely say: ahhhhh, what cute little kitties. And leave you to your fate....

Lovingly,
Your Brother

P.S. As can be attested by your daughter, who unlike you, has a Facebook account, I do have to confess that while you may be beyond salvation, I still hold out hope for others, and so will put this Ode to a Sister on Facebook with the hope of preventing others from your fate.

Comments:
Sue Jordan: Too late we have five. 3of them are mine and cindy has two.

Deborah R Hopkins: You could be writing this to me. I am a sucker for kittens.

Mrs. Angel: LOL! You should send this in as a commentary to NPR or something! You should get this published to attempt to help all the cat people of the world! Enjoyed this!

Garlic Bread with Jelly

Facebook posting July 15, 2012:

My wife believes that I am strange because I put jelly on the toasted garlic bread that she made for me. But I ask, if she is the one who put the garlic on the toast, wouldn't that make her the one who was strange????

Commments:
Jess Parris: Did you know that it had garlic when you put the jelly on it?

Kim Wardwell: Of course! I wasn't going to waste some perfectly good toast, just because it had garlic on it!!! If you put enough strawberry jelly on it, you can almost not taste the garlic. Still, I am sure you would agree with me, the husband, that it is kind of strange that my wife would go ahead and put garlic on toast that was just begging to have jelly on it .....

Pam McDonald: Kim = strange; Annie = not strange.

Jess Parris: Agreed. You're strange, Kim.

Gail Vaughan: I hope it was red pepper jelly. That is the only jelly I know of that would go with garlic toast.

Kim Wardwell: Well, it's pretty clear to me which people can't think outside the box .... you'd all let perfectly good toast go to waste just because of some garlic .... You probably also aren't resourceful when you're out of chocolate and simply overlook the option of getting the unsweetened baker's chocolate and dipping it in sugar in order to relieve that chocolate urge!!!

Jess Parris: lol I'll just go to the store when I'm out of chocolate. And I'd eat the perfectly good garlic toast, I just wouldn't be putting any jelly on it.

Ol' Buck

Facebook posting from June 28, 2012:

While watching the credits at the end of a Magnum PI show on Netflicks, I saw one of the credits for a person named Buck.

I think Buck would be a great name! Just think of all of the variations, nicknames and terms of endearment to go along with being called "Buck!" There's Bucky, Buckster, my Buckeroo, Buckin' Bronc, Bucky Boy, etc....

But when I pointed it out to my wife, all she could do was laugh, and asked how many times my parents had dropped me on my head .... Now that I think about it, don't you think it's strange that there were never any soap opera character (at least, that I knew of) called Buck, or Ol' Buck ....

Comments:
Jennifer Green: i can think of a few tha t aren't so nice.

Gayle Clucas Nelson: John Candy played Uncle Buck. See what happened to him.

Kim Wardwell: About due for a re-make then! I could play the part!!!

Gayle Clucas Nelson: Yep, head trauma.

Kathy Tieszen Neufeld: I taught with a Bucky in Battle Mountain, Nevada. You know, I never thought there was anything unusual about his name.

Gayle Clucas Nelson: http://​www.redneckbabynames.com/​male-baby-names
Browse Baby Names
www.redneckbabynames.com

Redneck Baby Names, Redneck Names, Redneck Name Meanings, Redneck Boy Names, Red...

Kim Wardwell: Wow!! Website even has music from Deliverance!!! Cletus was my favorite! I'm thinking Cletus Leroy Buckster Wardwell!!!

Kim Wardwell: I challenge anyone to out redneck that one!

Annie Wardwell: I am so glad we're not having any children together . . .

Kim Wardwell: Still, we could come up with some possible names, just in case the impossible happens ....

Gayle Clucas Nelson: Roy Otis Wardwell.

Kim Wardwell: I think Otis Leroy rolls off the tongue better, don't you?

Suzi Obendorf Pipkin: poor Annie. So do you watch BLue Bloods? My fav.! No Bucks in there however.

Kim Wardwell: So you say the Buck stops here? Or was that Truman?

Suzi Obendorf Pipkin Truman, Suzi, ...we think along the same lines.:)

Linne Clarke Haywood: Otis Leroy Jr "Bucky " Wardwell. Drat. The last name makes it all Yankee like. Watch Lizard Lick Towing for insight into the redneck mind.

Gayle Clucas Nelson Wardwell: does add a air of so-fis-ti-cation to a name.

Gayle Clucas Nelson: ‎... or is it err....

Kim Wardwell: Well, since it usually comes out war dell, or weird as hell, I'm not sure there's too much sophistication left ....

Spandex

From Facebook posting on June 2, 2012:

As I age and continue to gain weight - my days of Spandex are long since over. I guess I now live in the age of Ex-spandex!

Surprising Waitress

Facebook posting from April 15, 2012:

Odd experience -- still trying to take it all in:
Went to the Boise Public Library book sale to try to find sets of encyclopedias that were newer than what we have in the classroom out at the prison, so I was wearing my ID badge.

I forgot to take it off when I went into a restaurant for lunch with Annie. I had heard that many local restaurants hire ex-cons (e.g. tax break as an incentive.) The w aitress saw my ID and became extremely friendly. Turned out that all but one of the employees working on that shift were parolees. While she didn't necessarily like prison, she attributed her counseling treatment program there as turning her life around as she tries to make her break from drug abuse permanent. She said that the program taught her to be able to trust others, and that for the first time, she feels she truly has friends -- ones that will hold her accountable and that she can trust.

I didn't know her, as I work at a different prison -- but it was amazing how warm and appreciative she was of prison staff. Have to say it made my day! I've said that prisoners as a generalization have been the politest students I have ever had and now I would add: also the most appreciative.

Walk a Mile for a Camel

From a Facebook posting on February 12, 2012:
Instead of walking a mile for a Camel, I'd prefer to drive a camel a mile ....

Sanitized Tapeworms

From my Facebook posting from January 29,2012:
I cannot stress enough how crucial it is that your tapeworms be sanitized. I hate the thought that my tapeworms may be carrying a bug or two ...