If Schools Were Only Run Like a Business …

Phone voice message: Welcome to Taco Shell Middle School - where students can receive the best education your money can buy.

For service in English, please press one.
Por servicio in Espanol, dice el numero dos.

Please listen carefully as all of our services have been updated recently.

For faster service, please enter the students ID number. ……..

For a listing of the student's current grades, press or say three.
For a listing of any late school assignments, press or say four.
For a listing of any overdue library fines, press or say five.
For talking with one of our customer satisfaction account representatives, press or say zero. …….

Please be aware that for better service, this call may be recorded. All of our customer satisfaction account representatives are currently busy, but your call will be answered in the order that it was received. ……..

……. (11 minutes, 23 seconds later) …..

Customer satisfaction account representative (hereafter as c.s.a.r. or the phone csar): Welcome, may I have the student’s ID number?
Mother: 132-202-268433

Phone csar: For security purposes, can you tell us what the student’s 2nd grade teacher’s undergraduate college g.p.a. was?
Mother of 132-202-268433: It was only 3.7.
Phone csar: I’m sorry, could you please carry it out two places past the decimal?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Oh, I’m sorry, I think it was 3.72.

Phone csar: Thank you. How may I help you?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yes, I was hoping to be able to talk with my son’s teacher about his geometry homework assignment.

Phone csar: And what is your teacher’s quality control badge number?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Umm, I’m not sure.
Phone csar: Ma’am, it’s difficult to locate the student’s teacher without his c.b.n.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Well, he’s in the math class at the end of the hall on the right side.
Phone csar: Ma’am, I believe Taco Shell Middle School is in Idaho. I’m at our communication center in the Central Time Zone. Ma’am, can you tell me the last four digits of his s.s.n. or his name, last name first, first name last, along with how long he has been in the district?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Umm, yes. I believe this is his first year, and his name is Lee, Frank, errr… Or frankly, if it were reversed, it would be Frank, Lee.

Phone csar: OK Ma’am, I think I have located him. Umm, he’s in class today. Would you like me to have him contact you later this week?
Mother of 132-202-268433: But his project is due tomorrow …

Phone csar: And you waited till today to call? Ma’am, school business requires long-term planning. I see where the school district where your child resides belongs to the Better Business Practices School Organization (B.B.P.S.O.) Those schools are required under Section Roman numeral III, sub-section 5A to give their assignments at least two weeks prior to starting the corresponding chapter.
Mother of 132-202-268433: But we were out of town two weeks ago, and then my son was home sick with the chicken pox.
Phone csar: I’m sorry Ma’am, but we have a business to run. We can’t let one student-unit jeopardize the rest of the class units' production schedule.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Well, what if my son’s illness had been worse, and he had gotten so far behind that he couldn’t catch up on his own?

Phone csar: Fortunately, Ma’am, we have re-routing tracks available for those student-units whose production rates have become sub-standard. Did you need to have the proper paperwork shipped to you to start the process?
Mother of 132-202-268433: What? No!! Absolutely not – I just called to ask some questions about my son’s homework assignment.

Phone csar: Ma’am, did you go online to get fully oriented with Geom–7gr-specproj23?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yeah, but I can never understand all of that technical talk.

Phone csar: Would you like me to transfer you to our special projects support division? We have a special running until the end of the current grading period. At the rate of just $39.95 for the first hour, and then $29.95 for each consecutive hour, you can get help for as long as you or your son needs.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Isn’t that a bit pricey?
Phone csar: Well, we are getting toward the end of the grading period which is one of our busier times. We do take credit or debit cards. Would you like our website where you can get the proper order form?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Uh, no. Again, the assignment is due tomorrow.

Phone csar: Well, keep us in mind next time.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Sure.
Phone csar: Is there any thing else I can do for you today?

Mother of 132-202-268433: No, but thank you. My head’s still trying to take all of this in. It’s a bit confusing …. Oh also, I was also confused about the name. I thought this was Horace Woman Insurance Middle School.
Phone csar: Oh it was, but Horace did not want to re-new their license. So the bid was given to Taco Shell, Incorporated.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Oh I see. I guess I just didn't realize that they had switched Horace in mid-stream.
Phone csar: Yes, I was surprised also that after Fed Ex-lax Middle School had succeeded in being its regular name for over a decade, that Horace Woman Insurance let their policy lapse. Well, don't be shellshocked if Taco Shell is willing to shell out money for licensing long enough for 132-202-268433, 132-202-297222, and 132-202-301278 have all made it through our system.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yes – I hope so.

Phone csar: Ma’am, unless there is anything else, would you be willing to take our total-assured satisfaction survey at the end of this phone call? It won’t take more than 15 minutes to complete, and usually can be done in just one setting. We’ll even enter your name automatically in our weekly drawing of a free one-hour session of homework support - and further - if you complete it within the next five minutes, we will also enter your name for the grand prize of having a personal evening tutor three nights a week for an entire semester. Would you be interested?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Sure. You can never have too much direct instruction!