This was written at a time when I was a school district athletic director:
Recently, biblical historians were thrilled at the discovery of a completely unknown text of the creation story in Genesis that included an astonishing additional text never before seen. It seems to put the creation story in a whole, new profound perspective. Below is the traditional text supplemented with the new discovery:
The traditional, known text from Genesis:
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
And God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters.” And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.
And God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
And God said, “Let there be lights in the firmaments of the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth.” And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
And God said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens.” So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kind. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold , it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.
The newly discovered supplemental text:
And on the seventh day, God intended to rest. But there came to him the softball coach with great expectations of compliance and preparation from which great games were to be played. And God groaned, and sent forth his people to meet these immediate expectations. And God saw that it was OK.
And on the eighth day, God was again confronted by the softball coach with further immediate demands. And God groaned louder – threatening to shake the heavens and the earth – but yet restrained himself. And God saw and began to wonder.
And on the ninth day, God saw the softball coach approaching, groaned and roared and brought forth great winds and rains – thus canceling the day’s game. And God saw that it was good and so for forty days and forty nights the rains continued to pour till the fields and diamonds were covered fully with water. And then God finally rested ...
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Be Sure & Cancel Your Credit Cards Before...
The following email was received. My response and that of others follow after it.
Subject: Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure. It's ..."
After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with "customer service"
Tom
"EMF" made the following annotations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This transmission may contain information that is privileged, confidential and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the information contained herein (including any reliance thereon) is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you received this transmission in error, please immediately contact the sender and destroy the material in its entirety, whether in electronic or hard copy format. Thank you.
My wife relayed my response to a family member:
Here is Kim's take on it:
I think it is important to allow for time for technology to work out the kinks when they put in a new automated system.
Surely, something as new as people dying can't be expected to be worked into an automated system overnight.
It is my suspicion that eventually, some of the people who helped design the system might themselves die as well, in which case, they could well begin to understand and better perceive the valid concerns and needs of dead people not always keeping current with their day-to-day financial obligations.
In my particular case, I have decided that such hassles are extremely difficult to avoid upon becoming dead, and so have decided that I will either forego ever dying, or at least postpone it until technology has had adequate time to become familiar that the concept exists that eventually we won't exist -- but of course by that time, their system will most likely be dead, having been replaced by an even more extensive, all-inclusive technologically newer system.
Kim
Family member, Theresa's response to my wife, and relayed to me:
Ok..... Either he is eating schrooms, is a pocket philosopher or missed his calling as a lawyer who could argue that the sky is green and the grass is blue.
Theresa
Tax Compliance Technician Permit Unit
My response:
Response #1:
Dear Mastercard and Visa,
Upon my death, please cancel my credit card account -- as I will be preoccupied (probably fighting fire day and night -- but possibly arranging clouds or polishing gold pavement) and most likely unable to continue monthly payments.
In the event that I might owe you any money upon the time of my death, please feel free to either cancel said debt, or feel free to try to obtain payment from either of my kids, lol!! Good luck getting them to pay their old man's bill ...
If you are unable to track my death through the local newspaper's obituary column, please feel free to assume that upon no payment from me for two consecutive months constitutes my death, and proceed with the cancellation of my account, as long as it includes cancellation of my indebtedness as well.
Most sincerely,
One of your alive customers -- if at least only momentarily.
Response #2:
In regard to the following message found at the end of this chain of
emails:
"'EMF' made the following annotations.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"This transmission may contain information that is privileged, confidential and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the information contained herein (including any reliance thereon) is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you received this transmission in error, please immediately contact the sender and destroy the material in its entirety, whether in electronic or hard copy format. Thank you."
Dear Idaho Tax Compliance Technician,
I felt privileged to receive these emails and therefore have reason to believe that perhaps I have been an unintended recipient of the transmission below -- for surely it must be in error -- for I would never zoom from the effects of schrooms, nor is it a philosopher that one can see bulging from my pocket. Please note that in an effort to be in compliance with Idaho state law, I am making (somewhat) immediate contact with the sender(s) and am willing to destroy their computers and harddrives in its entirety upon receipt of address and location of said computers and harddrives, as well as setting fire to any near by papers (in the event that they might be formatted hard copies of said email.)
In the event that I do not receive such address and location information, I feel that I am ethically -- if not legally -- absolved of any further obligations regarding this matter of unintended email reception.
Sincerely,
A former Idaho income tax payer who has since re-located outside of your
tax-collecting boundaries.
My wife's response:
I hope her emails are scanned, and the authorities don't take your comment about destroying their computers seriously, and show up at my door to arrest you for your terrorist ways . . .
Subject: Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure. It's ..."
After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with "customer service"
Tom
"EMF" made the following annotations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This transmission may contain information that is privileged, confidential and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the information contained herein (including any reliance thereon) is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you received this transmission in error, please immediately contact the sender and destroy the material in its entirety, whether in electronic or hard copy format. Thank you.
My wife relayed my response to a family member:
Here is Kim's take on it:
I think it is important to allow for time for technology to work out the kinks when they put in a new automated system.
Surely, something as new as people dying can't be expected to be worked into an automated system overnight.
It is my suspicion that eventually, some of the people who helped design the system might themselves die as well, in which case, they could well begin to understand and better perceive the valid concerns and needs of dead people not always keeping current with their day-to-day financial obligations.
In my particular case, I have decided that such hassles are extremely difficult to avoid upon becoming dead, and so have decided that I will either forego ever dying, or at least postpone it until technology has had adequate time to become familiar that the concept exists that eventually we won't exist -- but of course by that time, their system will most likely be dead, having been replaced by an even more extensive, all-inclusive technologically newer system.
Kim
Family member, Theresa's response to my wife, and relayed to me:
Ok..... Either he is eating schrooms, is a pocket philosopher or missed his calling as a lawyer who could argue that the sky is green and the grass is blue.
Theresa
Tax Compliance Technician Permit Unit
My response:
Response #1:
Dear Mastercard and Visa,
Upon my death, please cancel my credit card account -- as I will be preoccupied (probably fighting fire day and night -- but possibly arranging clouds or polishing gold pavement) and most likely unable to continue monthly payments.
In the event that I might owe you any money upon the time of my death, please feel free to either cancel said debt, or feel free to try to obtain payment from either of my kids, lol!! Good luck getting them to pay their old man's bill ...
If you are unable to track my death through the local newspaper's obituary column, please feel free to assume that upon no payment from me for two consecutive months constitutes my death, and proceed with the cancellation of my account, as long as it includes cancellation of my indebtedness as well.
Most sincerely,
One of your alive customers -- if at least only momentarily.
Response #2:
In regard to the following message found at the end of this chain of
emails:
"'EMF' made the following annotations.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"This transmission may contain information that is privileged, confidential and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the information contained herein (including any reliance thereon) is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you received this transmission in error, please immediately contact the sender and destroy the material in its entirety, whether in electronic or hard copy format. Thank you."
Dear Idaho Tax Compliance Technician,
I felt privileged to receive these emails and therefore have reason to believe that perhaps I have been an unintended recipient of the transmission below -- for surely it must be in error -- for I would never zoom from the effects of schrooms, nor is it a philosopher that one can see bulging from my pocket. Please note that in an effort to be in compliance with Idaho state law, I am making (somewhat) immediate contact with the sender(s) and am willing to destroy their computers and harddrives in its entirety upon receipt of address and location of said computers and harddrives, as well as setting fire to any near by papers (in the event that they might be formatted hard copies of said email.)
In the event that I do not receive such address and location information, I feel that I am ethically -- if not legally -- absolved of any further obligations regarding this matter of unintended email reception.
Sincerely,
A former Idaho income tax payer who has since re-located outside of your
tax-collecting boundaries.
My wife's response:
I hope her emails are scanned, and the authorities don't take your comment about destroying their computers seriously, and show up at my door to arrest you for your terrorist ways . . .
Friday, July 2, 2010
Going Out with "the Guys"
From: K Wardwell [mailto:kwardwell@glacierview.net]
Sent: Friday, July 02, 2010 11:45 AM
To: Dave
Cc: Annie Wardwell
Subject: Meridian Speedway
Dave,
Going to the Meridian Speedway with the guys sounds good.
My wife has given me permission to go out and be one of "the guys." She is even contemplating giving me permission to drink more than one beer and to belch -- hell, maybe even one vigorous enough to the point of being classified as a full-fledged burp ...
I am not sure she will let me ogle women walking by, but I am sure she will allow me to leer with subtle side glances, but no staring directly, nor am I allowed to stare at any woman's chest while trying to strike up a conversation.
She did say that I could scratch my belly in public - though she would prefer that it not be while burping at the same time -- provided I was with "the guys" and not around her.
Kim
My wife's response when cc'd a copy of this email to Dave:
Glad you have all of the rules straight. Men are so hard to train . . .
Sent: Friday, July 02, 2010 11:45 AM
To: Dave
Cc: Annie Wardwell
Subject: Meridian Speedway
Dave,
Going to the Meridian Speedway with the guys sounds good.
My wife has given me permission to go out and be one of "the guys." She is even contemplating giving me permission to drink more than one beer and to belch -- hell, maybe even one vigorous enough to the point of being classified as a full-fledged burp ...
I am not sure she will let me ogle women walking by, but I am sure she will allow me to leer with subtle side glances, but no staring directly, nor am I allowed to stare at any woman's chest while trying to strike up a conversation.
She did say that I could scratch my belly in public - though she would prefer that it not be while burping at the same time -- provided I was with "the guys" and not around her.
Kim
My wife's response when cc'd a copy of this email to Dave:
Glad you have all of the rules straight. Men are so hard to train . . .
Urgent Payment Confirmation
Below is the "paste and copy" of a series of responses to another of those chronic "scam" emails -- often from Nigeria -- trying to entice some nameless email recipient into losing their bank account in the vain effort to receive millions of unearned dollars.
RE: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
-----Original message-----
From: "Jennet Michael"jenetm4@centbk.org
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 2010 19:53:06 -0700
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
Attention Beneficiary,
Did You Permit Mr. Jerry Richard To Claim Your Approved $5.5 millon Inheritance Payment On Your Behalf?
Mr. Jerry Richard Told Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi That You Appointed Him To Represent You On The Claiming Of Your $5.5 millon Inheritance Payment, Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi Is About Releasing Your $5.5 millon Inheritance Payment To Mr. Jerry Richard As Soon As He Complies With The Mandatory $198.00 Courier Fee For The Delivery Of Your $5.5 million ATM Card To His Address At 100 Eggerding Dr., Cincinnati, OH 45215 USA As Your Representative.
Urgently Confirm To Mr Jaiye Ebinisi Whether Yes You Permitted Mr. Jerry Richard To Pay The Courier Fee Inorder To Claim Your $5.5millon ATM Card Payment On Your Behalf Or No You Shall Be Paying The Courier Fee Yourself In order To Claim Your $5.5 millon ATM Card Payment As The Legal Beneficiary.
Send Your Confirmation To Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi (Debt Settlement Officer)
His Email:( jaiyeebinisi2344@yahoo.co.jp )
You MUST Reconfirm Your Full Names, Address And Telephone To Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi For Verification.
Your Immediate Confirmation Is Highly Needed.
Jenet E. Michael.
Payment Confirmation Dept.
-----Original Message-----
From: K Wardwell [mailto:kwardwell@glacierview.net]
Sent: Thursday, July 01, 2010 11:16 PM
To: jenet4@ymail.com
Subject: Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
Jennet Michael,
Yes, that sounds like a good idea. I am sure that Mr. Jerry will know
how to take care of my money. And besides, it's fine with me if he pays
the $198.00 courier fee.
Once I get the money, I will more than pay him back.
In fact, if you send me your bank account number, I will wire a reward to you too -- I am so grateful of your honesty and willingness to connect me. I mean, in today's world, believe it or not, some people can't be trusted -- they would actually try to scam me out of my $5.5 million. They're not all honest like you and Mr. Jerry. Thank God for friends like you.
So yes, I give my permission for him to handle it.
Thanks for taking good care of me -- and remember, if you can get me your bank account info, I will have a nice reward for you too -- what do you say to $10,000 as a way of showing appreciation for all of your effort?
My wife's assessment of me:
You are incorrigible! :o)
RE: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
-----Original message-----
From: "Jennet Michael"jenetm4@centbk.org
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 2010 19:53:06 -0700
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
Attention Beneficiary,
Did You Permit Mr. Jerry Richard To Claim Your Approved $5.5 millon Inheritance Payment On Your Behalf?
Mr. Jerry Richard Told Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi That You Appointed Him To Represent You On The Claiming Of Your $5.5 millon Inheritance Payment, Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi Is About Releasing Your $5.5 millon Inheritance Payment To Mr. Jerry Richard As Soon As He Complies With The Mandatory $198.00 Courier Fee For The Delivery Of Your $5.5 million ATM Card To His Address At 100 Eggerding Dr., Cincinnati, OH 45215 USA As Your Representative.
Urgently Confirm To Mr Jaiye Ebinisi Whether Yes You Permitted Mr. Jerry Richard To Pay The Courier Fee Inorder To Claim Your $5.5millon ATM Card Payment On Your Behalf Or No You Shall Be Paying The Courier Fee Yourself In order To Claim Your $5.5 millon ATM Card Payment As The Legal Beneficiary.
Send Your Confirmation To Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi (Debt Settlement Officer)
His Email:( jaiyeebinisi2344@yahoo.co.jp )
You MUST Reconfirm Your Full Names, Address And Telephone To Mr. Jaiye Ebinisi For Verification.
Your Immediate Confirmation Is Highly Needed.
Jenet E. Michael.
Payment Confirmation Dept.
-----Original Message-----
From: K Wardwell [mailto:kwardwell@glacierview.net]
Sent: Thursday, July 01, 2010 11:16 PM
To: jenet4@ymail.com
Subject: Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:
Jennet Michael,
Yes, that sounds like a good idea. I am sure that Mr. Jerry will know
how to take care of my money. And besides, it's fine with me if he pays
the $198.00 courier fee.
Once I get the money, I will more than pay him back.
In fact, if you send me your bank account number, I will wire a reward to you too -- I am so grateful of your honesty and willingness to connect me. I mean, in today's world, believe it or not, some people can't be trusted -- they would actually try to scam me out of my $5.5 million. They're not all honest like you and Mr. Jerry. Thank God for friends like you.
So yes, I give my permission for him to handle it.
Thanks for taking good care of me -- and remember, if you can get me your bank account info, I will have a nice reward for you too -- what do you say to $10,000 as a way of showing appreciation for all of your effort?
My wife's assessment of me:
You are incorrigible! :o)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Leave No Patient Dead
This is a re-print of an article that I wrote and was published in the Washington Education Association's WE monthly journal in December 2003:
Leave No Patient Dead
Reporter M. Naive
with apologies to Art Buckwald
An interview with Surgeon General Undersecretary Phil N. Blank
Reporter M. Naive: First of all, congratulations on your promotion from Assistant to the Undersecretary of Education to Surgeon General Undersecretary.
Undersecretary Blank: Thanks.
Reporter M. Naive: What prompted you to move to the political realm of health from public education?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, after our success with passage of the ESEA, the “leave no child behind” act, which insures that all public school students will meet standards within 12 years, I needed a new challenge.
Reporter M. Naive: And so that is why you authored the AMA, “leave no patient dead” act?
Undersecretary Blank: Yes, precisely, more or less.
Reporter M. Naive: How did you convince the White House to sponsor this bill? What made you think that you knew more about medicine than our nation’s doctors?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, President Bush himself explained to us that since almost all Americans at one time or another have self-prescribed headache medicine, put band-aids on family members, or used a thermometer, that we were just as qualified to critique doctors as was anyone, who ever coached little league sports, a Sunday School class, or taught a child to tie her shoes, qualified to critique public school teachers. The president is clearly a man of vision!
Reporter M. Naive: Explain for our readers the key component of the AMA.
Undersecretary Blank: Basically, just as we have legislated that public schools will have all students up to standard within 12 years, we no longer are going to tolerate doctors who can’t cure all patients. Simply put, all medical practices are going to be expected to cure any patient, no matter the injury, condition or mental status.
Reporter M. Naive: Other than guiding passage of the Bush Administration’s bill through Congress, how exactly can you guarantee that all patients will indeed be cured?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, thanks to legislators in Washington State who introduced a bill that would have mandated teaching phonics for any fourth-grade students not passing their state assessment, we have hit upon the idea that any patients not cured within 48 hours, will be medicated with penicillin.
Reporter M. Naive: All patients?
Undersecretary Blank: Sure! Just as we know that all student problems in reading are attributed to phonics, we have come to realize that penicillin is the perfect cure for infections, broken arms, stomach ulcers, strokes, and the common cold. Sheer genius!
Reporter M. Naive: Will there be any other consequences?
Undersecretary Blank: Definitely! Any medical practice failing to cure all ills will be taken over by “charter clinics.” They will be staffed only by self-appointed doctors that have not been tainted with university training and state licensing procedures.
Reporter M. Naive: But won’t this cause a shortage of people willing to join the medical profession?
Undersecretary Blank: Nah, just as in public education, we firmly believe that raising teacher certification standards, establishing high-stakes student assessments, while withdrawing financial support will cure all educational ills, we can do the same with doctors. You just have to be firm and set the right tone. The president has assured us it will work.
Reporter M. Naive: This is so fantastic! But after the AMA passes, what will you do?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, the President pulled me aside recently, and talked to me about creating similar legislation that would guarantee that no business will be allowed to fail, go bankrupt, or have declining shares on the stock market.
Leave No Patient Dead
Reporter M. Naive
with apologies to Art Buckwald
An interview with Surgeon General Undersecretary Phil N. Blank
Reporter M. Naive: First of all, congratulations on your promotion from Assistant to the Undersecretary of Education to Surgeon General Undersecretary.
Undersecretary Blank: Thanks.
Reporter M. Naive: What prompted you to move to the political realm of health from public education?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, after our success with passage of the ESEA, the “leave no child behind” act, which insures that all public school students will meet standards within 12 years, I needed a new challenge.
Reporter M. Naive: And so that is why you authored the AMA, “leave no patient dead” act?
Undersecretary Blank: Yes, precisely, more or less.
Reporter M. Naive: How did you convince the White House to sponsor this bill? What made you think that you knew more about medicine than our nation’s doctors?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, President Bush himself explained to us that since almost all Americans at one time or another have self-prescribed headache medicine, put band-aids on family members, or used a thermometer, that we were just as qualified to critique doctors as was anyone, who ever coached little league sports, a Sunday School class, or taught a child to tie her shoes, qualified to critique public school teachers. The president is clearly a man of vision!
Reporter M. Naive: Explain for our readers the key component of the AMA.
Undersecretary Blank: Basically, just as we have legislated that public schools will have all students up to standard within 12 years, we no longer are going to tolerate doctors who can’t cure all patients. Simply put, all medical practices are going to be expected to cure any patient, no matter the injury, condition or mental status.
Reporter M. Naive: Other than guiding passage of the Bush Administration’s bill through Congress, how exactly can you guarantee that all patients will indeed be cured?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, thanks to legislators in Washington State who introduced a bill that would have mandated teaching phonics for any fourth-grade students not passing their state assessment, we have hit upon the idea that any patients not cured within 48 hours, will be medicated with penicillin.
Reporter M. Naive: All patients?
Undersecretary Blank: Sure! Just as we know that all student problems in reading are attributed to phonics, we have come to realize that penicillin is the perfect cure for infections, broken arms, stomach ulcers, strokes, and the common cold. Sheer genius!
Reporter M. Naive: Will there be any other consequences?
Undersecretary Blank: Definitely! Any medical practice failing to cure all ills will be taken over by “charter clinics.” They will be staffed only by self-appointed doctors that have not been tainted with university training and state licensing procedures.
Reporter M. Naive: But won’t this cause a shortage of people willing to join the medical profession?
Undersecretary Blank: Nah, just as in public education, we firmly believe that raising teacher certification standards, establishing high-stakes student assessments, while withdrawing financial support will cure all educational ills, we can do the same with doctors. You just have to be firm and set the right tone. The president has assured us it will work.
Reporter M. Naive: This is so fantastic! But after the AMA passes, what will you do?
Undersecretary Blank: Well, the President pulled me aside recently, and talked to me about creating similar legislation that would guarantee that no business will be allowed to fail, go bankrupt, or have declining shares on the stock market.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Justifiable Reason
Theirs was a peculiar relationship -- traditional in many ways, some would even say a bit chauvinistic. Despite all of their progressive talk, she still walked behind him if they walked from their home to the marketplace near the heart of Baghdad, Iraq. In fact, as time went on, she walked even further behind him, more like 20 paces than 5.
Yet she claimed it was not male dominance that precipitated this change, but rather all of the land mines.
In earlier times before the war while he was courting her, they used to go dancing at least once a week. But now things were different. He was more sullen as the protracted war dragged on.
She begged him to take her dancing, just like the old secular days before the religious zealots had intervened. But he adamantly refused -- with no reason given. How could he? There really wasn't any justified explanation. He didn't have a leg to stand on.
But now after the explosion, and being rushed to the hospital, and having most of the shrapnel removed, as well as both of his legs from the knees down, he finally had a justifiable reason for not dancing: he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Yet she claimed it was not male dominance that precipitated this change, but rather all of the land mines.
In earlier times before the war while he was courting her, they used to go dancing at least once a week. But now things were different. He was more sullen as the protracted war dragged on.
She begged him to take her dancing, just like the old secular days before the religious zealots had intervened. But he adamantly refused -- with no reason given. How could he? There really wasn't any justified explanation. He didn't have a leg to stand on.
But now after the explosion, and being rushed to the hospital, and having most of the shrapnel removed, as well as both of his legs from the knees down, he finally had a justifiable reason for not dancing: he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Congressional Term Limits Too Limiting
I am sick and tired of hearing about term limits being limited to congressmen.
Actually while it is true that I am sick – it is not because of politics but because of a cold that I have had now for four weeks, and as for being tired, I pretty much am tired most of the time during the school year – but summer vacation isn’t that far off. – Still, I am truly sick and tired, and felt that I should follow the example set by so many political activists. But I digress ….
I am amazed at the short-sightedness, not so much of our politicians but of their critics. I feel pressured to accept the concept that professional politicians are harmful to the democratic process, and that instead America is better off having leaders with limited experience with an amateur status. As American business and involvement in world affairs becomes more complex, the argument is that it is better to use people who are not career experts but rather are temporary representatives from the American citizenry – taking a limited turn, and then returning back to their previous profession. The argument is based on the notion that somehow a politician changes with experience – but not for the better, but typically only for personal gain or convenience.
I do truly appreciate being clued in to these phenomena. Now I find myself watching for the dangers of seniority and experience throughout our society.
Let’s start with medicine. God knows that medical costs are going through the roof! I believe that it is a fact that most doctors are now paid more than when they first started their practice. Clearly there must be a connection with doctors being paid more while medical costs and insurance premiums continue to rise exponentially. Also, there can be a callowness that has been known to develop after years and years of seeing patients day in and day out – (both in patients and out patients!)
I believe that the answer of maintaining a fresh, amateur status of our congressmen should apply to doctors as well. First of all – is it any surprise with all of the years of schooling and interning that doctors are so expensive? Many of them already have that doctor tone of superiority before they have even finished interning. What we need are fresh, amateurs that still feel the desire to learn more each time you put a scalpel in their hand while sedating you for abdominal surgery.
In addition, with far less medical school expenses and less years of experience, medical expenses should plummet! After doctors reach their term limits, they could find other employment – possibly even in similar fields such as veterinary work on cattle, or pharmaceutical sales.
Same for air fare. Think of the expenses as well as the number of errors attributed to pilots that have spent far too much time up in the air. What we need are new pilots who are still thrilled with the prospect of preventing the next jumbo jet flight with over two hundred passengers from ending in a ball of fire. We need pilots still marveling at their first glimpse of various landmarks as they try to avoid getting lost – as an effective ways of keeping pilots from succumbing to sleep or overlooking safety factors due to excessive, mundane routine or even occasional boredom. And of course, patriotic passengers can expect a corresponding plummeting from the sky in the price of tickets …
God knows we could save money with term limits imposed on teachers – ridding public schools of expensive, burned-out teachers.
It’s a no-brainer that truck drivers can become jaded or distracted with too much time on the road – far better to have novices at lower pay!
Police corruption could be reduced by using only rookies and newbies. Vets sent out the door could become private detectives or mercenaries.
Actors should be turned away by age thirty – just think how much more attractive and realistic all characters would be …
I could cite other examples as well, but in all fairness, I think that I have spent too much time on this already, and that it should be turned over to someone younger and fresher …
Actually while it is true that I am sick – it is not because of politics but because of a cold that I have had now for four weeks, and as for being tired, I pretty much am tired most of the time during the school year – but summer vacation isn’t that far off. – Still, I am truly sick and tired, and felt that I should follow the example set by so many political activists. But I digress ….
I am amazed at the short-sightedness, not so much of our politicians but of their critics. I feel pressured to accept the concept that professional politicians are harmful to the democratic process, and that instead America is better off having leaders with limited experience with an amateur status. As American business and involvement in world affairs becomes more complex, the argument is that it is better to use people who are not career experts but rather are temporary representatives from the American citizenry – taking a limited turn, and then returning back to their previous profession. The argument is based on the notion that somehow a politician changes with experience – but not for the better, but typically only for personal gain or convenience.
I do truly appreciate being clued in to these phenomena. Now I find myself watching for the dangers of seniority and experience throughout our society.
Let’s start with medicine. God knows that medical costs are going through the roof! I believe that it is a fact that most doctors are now paid more than when they first started their practice. Clearly there must be a connection with doctors being paid more while medical costs and insurance premiums continue to rise exponentially. Also, there can be a callowness that has been known to develop after years and years of seeing patients day in and day out – (both in patients and out patients!)
I believe that the answer of maintaining a fresh, amateur status of our congressmen should apply to doctors as well. First of all – is it any surprise with all of the years of schooling and interning that doctors are so expensive? Many of them already have that doctor tone of superiority before they have even finished interning. What we need are fresh, amateurs that still feel the desire to learn more each time you put a scalpel in their hand while sedating you for abdominal surgery.
In addition, with far less medical school expenses and less years of experience, medical expenses should plummet! After doctors reach their term limits, they could find other employment – possibly even in similar fields such as veterinary work on cattle, or pharmaceutical sales.
Same for air fare. Think of the expenses as well as the number of errors attributed to pilots that have spent far too much time up in the air. What we need are new pilots who are still thrilled with the prospect of preventing the next jumbo jet flight with over two hundred passengers from ending in a ball of fire. We need pilots still marveling at their first glimpse of various landmarks as they try to avoid getting lost – as an effective ways of keeping pilots from succumbing to sleep or overlooking safety factors due to excessive, mundane routine or even occasional boredom. And of course, patriotic passengers can expect a corresponding plummeting from the sky in the price of tickets …
God knows we could save money with term limits imposed on teachers – ridding public schools of expensive, burned-out teachers.
It’s a no-brainer that truck drivers can become jaded or distracted with too much time on the road – far better to have novices at lower pay!
Police corruption could be reduced by using only rookies and newbies. Vets sent out the door could become private detectives or mercenaries.
Actors should be turned away by age thirty – just think how much more attractive and realistic all characters would be …
I could cite other examples as well, but in all fairness, I think that I have spent too much time on this already, and that it should be turned over to someone younger and fresher …
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Hitlerian Tendencies
Ever since the fall of the Soviet Union, it seems that the John Birch Society has not been able to maintain the high level profile that I had counted on in previous decades. Nor do whistle-blower warnings of the Tri-lateral Commission command the same attention they once did.
Even warnings of immoral governmental actions from televangelist pillars as Jimmy Swaggart and Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker declined after each of their respective downfalls.
Fortunately, Pat Robertson has continued to inform the naïvely unaware and innocent so that they can be fully aware of efforts by the devil and Democrats. In addition, others such as Rush Limbaugh have risen to provide voice where once we could count on John Birchers. We even have networks such as Fox to fill the breech – not to mention a network of blogging and emailing citizens to circulate any real and/or imagined governmental sins.
Without these outspoken watchdogs, citizens like me are prone not to realize fully the threat that Democratic administrations pose.
For example, the recent tragedy in Haiti of a 7.0 magnitude earthquake would seem to much of the unaware citizenry to have been an act of God – albeit a devastating one. Yet both Robertson and Limbaugh have been faithful instruments trumpeting explanations that much of the rest of us would never have suspected. Robertson pointed out that Haiti deserves such tragedies as a result of having literally made a bargain with the devil in exchange for preventing being controlled by the French. Limbaugh contributed the warning that the Obama administration was using the event purely as a public relations opportunity.
Ashamed that others had to investigate for me, it was at this point that I determined to follow their inspirational leadership and sought on my own to research the matter further – using the always reliable internet (which is surprising considering it was created by Al Gore) at my disposal.
I was astonished and furious to confirm Limbaugh’s assertions. Limbaugh asserted that the 7.0 earthquake that rocked Haiti enabled Mr. Obama to highlight his “compassionate” and “humanitarian” credentials to “boost his credibility with the black community.” But Limbaugh does not go far enough. I pieced together from several unnamed and/or imagined sources that Obama’s henchmen not only compelled Haiti to submit to having a major earthquake with the epicenter located in their capital city, but that the White House refused to even consider agreeing to anything less than a 7.0 quake along with a mandatory series of successive aftershocks. Haiti officials complained that they had been willing to cooperate and accept a 6.5 or even 6.6 magnitude quake. They argued it would have been sufficient for Obama to display his compassion without what Haitian officials considered an unnecessarily excessive level of death and destruction. Indignantly, they felt a line had to be drawn on how much death a country should have to accept, just to help a U.S. president with his ratings!
Congressional critics also suggested that the White House insistence on a 7.0 quake was wasteful in cost, and that the U.S. should not have paid for anything over a 6.7 at the absolute highest – both in terms of costs directly to Haiti and in later emergency relief. White House officials justified the more extreme disaster saying Haiti deserved any additional destruction as a “cursed” consequence of their historical “pact to the devil” – as revealed by televangelist Pat Robertson.
But perhaps the most disturbing revelations that I uncovered came from Kitty Werthmann, president of the South Dakota Eagle Forum. Ms. Werthmann survived seven years in Austria under Adolf Hitler’s regime. She points out the haunting similarities between Hitler’s dictatorship and the Obama administration. She stressed that Hitler’s strangle hold was created incrementally rather than immediately and fully. It started with national identification cards, gun registration, daycare and evolved out of control from there.
But again, I don’t feel the Werthmann goes far enough. In my research, I uncovered several other disturbing, ominous similarities between the two demigods. I have conclusive proof that both Hitler and Obama were/are addicted to oxygen as if to have aspirations for public aspirations -- even in public meetings where the cameras were rolling. (Further, rumors have it that both so-called leaders are also addicted to food – consuming it even multiple times in a single day.)
Unfortunately, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I have been able to ascertain beyond any reasonable level of doubt that both leaders have two legs, which both openly use for walking and movement. Both wear clothes – so brazenly that neither has ever been on record as being apologetic for their continuous efforts to hide behind clothing. Both spoke a predominate language – though admittedly not the same language – yet. But time will tell. Both were married – though Obama actually had the gall to marry before even assuming national leadership rather than holding off till the last day or two of his administration.
Clearly Werthmann is a visionary, and I am convinced that Americans need to heed her words. Clearly boundaries need to be set and Obama can not be allowed to encroach further on our freedoms. For me, I propose we draw the line and begin a protest of civil disobedience the day Obama speaks to us in German or tries to force us to eat strudel.
The end.
Sources:
Citation regarding Limbaugh
The disaster enables Mr. Obama to highlight his "compassionate" and "humanitarian" credentials and to "boost his credibility with the black community," Limbaugh said.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at his daily press briefing today criticized Limbaugh's remarks.
"I think in times of great crisis, there are always people that say really stupid things," Gibbs said. I don't know how anybody -- I don't know how anybody could sit where he does, having enjoyed the success that he has, and not feel some measure of sorrow for what has happened in Haiti. I think to use the power of your pulpit to try to convince those not to help their brothers and sisters is sad."
http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2010/01/14/politics/politicalhotsheet/entry6097183.shtml?tag=contentMain;contentBody
Citation regarding Robertson
Televangelist Pat Robertson said Wednesday that earthquake-ravaged Haiti has been "cursed" by a "pact to the devil."
"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," he said on Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club." "They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."
Robertson said that "ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other" and he contrasted Haiti with its neighbor, the Dominican Republic.
"That island of Hispaniola is one island. It is cut down the middle; on the one side is Haiti on the other is the Dominican Republic," he said. "Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to god and out of this tragedy I'm optimistic something good may come. But right now we are helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/13/pat-robertson-haiti-curse_n_422099.html
Citation regarding Werthmann
Freedoms can disappear in a hurry if we aren't careful
Those of us who sailed past the Statue of Liberty came to a country of unbelievable freedom and opportunity.
I lived in Austria under Adolf Hitler's regime for seven years. Dictatorship did not happen overnight. It was a gradual process starting with national identification cards, which we had to carry with us at all times.
We could not board a bus or train without our ID card. Gun registration followed, with a lot of talk about gun safety and hunting accidents. Since the government already knew who owned firearms, confiscation followed under threat of capital punishment.
Freedom of speech was the next target. Free speech was curtailed with the enforcement of the federal police (Gestapo). With a large network of informers, people were afraid to say anything political, even in their own homes.
The liberal mindset in America has promoted gun control for a long time and is beginning to advocate national identification cards.
Law-abiding American citizens should not have to carry national identification cards. Aliens and non-citizens should be required to carry ID cards. Even their driver's licenses should be different than a citizen's driver's license.
Our government also needs to take strong measures against illegal aliens and tightly close our borders to protect American citizens.
Even though we are in a state of war, we have to protect our civil liberties. While some people need power to secure our freedom, we must be ever-vigilant to maintain a system of checks and balances.
I am sorely disappointed with France and Germany. If it was not for the United States, the French would be speaking German today. And if our troops had not protected Germany, Russian tanks would have rolled all the way to the Rhine River.
How ungrateful those nations are. We have to stand by our country and our troops. I am grateful that our troops are protecting freedom.
America is the greatest country in the world. After America, there is no place to run.
http://www.eagleforum.org/misc/states/articles/2003/werthmann-3-11-03.shtml
Kitty Werthmann
Kitty Werthmann, 77, of Pierre, is president of the South Dakota Eagle Forum. She lobbies the state Legislature on family issues. She has lived in the United States since 1950 and has been a U.S. citizen since 1962
Even warnings of immoral governmental actions from televangelist pillars as Jimmy Swaggart and Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker declined after each of their respective downfalls.
Fortunately, Pat Robertson has continued to inform the naïvely unaware and innocent so that they can be fully aware of efforts by the devil and Democrats. In addition, others such as Rush Limbaugh have risen to provide voice where once we could count on John Birchers. We even have networks such as Fox to fill the breech – not to mention a network of blogging and emailing citizens to circulate any real and/or imagined governmental sins.
Without these outspoken watchdogs, citizens like me are prone not to realize fully the threat that Democratic administrations pose.
For example, the recent tragedy in Haiti of a 7.0 magnitude earthquake would seem to much of the unaware citizenry to have been an act of God – albeit a devastating one. Yet both Robertson and Limbaugh have been faithful instruments trumpeting explanations that much of the rest of us would never have suspected. Robertson pointed out that Haiti deserves such tragedies as a result of having literally made a bargain with the devil in exchange for preventing being controlled by the French. Limbaugh contributed the warning that the Obama administration was using the event purely as a public relations opportunity.
Ashamed that others had to investigate for me, it was at this point that I determined to follow their inspirational leadership and sought on my own to research the matter further – using the always reliable internet (which is surprising considering it was created by Al Gore) at my disposal.
I was astonished and furious to confirm Limbaugh’s assertions. Limbaugh asserted that the 7.0 earthquake that rocked Haiti enabled Mr. Obama to highlight his “compassionate” and “humanitarian” credentials to “boost his credibility with the black community.” But Limbaugh does not go far enough. I pieced together from several unnamed and/or imagined sources that Obama’s henchmen not only compelled Haiti to submit to having a major earthquake with the epicenter located in their capital city, but that the White House refused to even consider agreeing to anything less than a 7.0 quake along with a mandatory series of successive aftershocks. Haiti officials complained that they had been willing to cooperate and accept a 6.5 or even 6.6 magnitude quake. They argued it would have been sufficient for Obama to display his compassion without what Haitian officials considered an unnecessarily excessive level of death and destruction. Indignantly, they felt a line had to be drawn on how much death a country should have to accept, just to help a U.S. president with his ratings!
Congressional critics also suggested that the White House insistence on a 7.0 quake was wasteful in cost, and that the U.S. should not have paid for anything over a 6.7 at the absolute highest – both in terms of costs directly to Haiti and in later emergency relief. White House officials justified the more extreme disaster saying Haiti deserved any additional destruction as a “cursed” consequence of their historical “pact to the devil” – as revealed by televangelist Pat Robertson.
But perhaps the most disturbing revelations that I uncovered came from Kitty Werthmann, president of the South Dakota Eagle Forum. Ms. Werthmann survived seven years in Austria under Adolf Hitler’s regime. She points out the haunting similarities between Hitler’s dictatorship and the Obama administration. She stressed that Hitler’s strangle hold was created incrementally rather than immediately and fully. It started with national identification cards, gun registration, daycare and evolved out of control from there.
But again, I don’t feel the Werthmann goes far enough. In my research, I uncovered several other disturbing, ominous similarities between the two demigods. I have conclusive proof that both Hitler and Obama were/are addicted to oxygen as if to have aspirations for public aspirations -- even in public meetings where the cameras were rolling. (Further, rumors have it that both so-called leaders are also addicted to food – consuming it even multiple times in a single day.)
Unfortunately, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I have been able to ascertain beyond any reasonable level of doubt that both leaders have two legs, which both openly use for walking and movement. Both wear clothes – so brazenly that neither has ever been on record as being apologetic for their continuous efforts to hide behind clothing. Both spoke a predominate language – though admittedly not the same language – yet. But time will tell. Both were married – though Obama actually had the gall to marry before even assuming national leadership rather than holding off till the last day or two of his administration.
Clearly Werthmann is a visionary, and I am convinced that Americans need to heed her words. Clearly boundaries need to be set and Obama can not be allowed to encroach further on our freedoms. For me, I propose we draw the line and begin a protest of civil disobedience the day Obama speaks to us in German or tries to force us to eat strudel.
The end.
Sources:
Citation regarding Limbaugh
The disaster enables Mr. Obama to highlight his "compassionate" and "humanitarian" credentials and to "boost his credibility with the black community," Limbaugh said.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at his daily press briefing today criticized Limbaugh's remarks.
"I think in times of great crisis, there are always people that say really stupid things," Gibbs said. I don't know how anybody -- I don't know how anybody could sit where he does, having enjoyed the success that he has, and not feel some measure of sorrow for what has happened in Haiti. I think to use the power of your pulpit to try to convince those not to help their brothers and sisters is sad."
http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2010/01/14/politics/politicalhotsheet/entry6097183.shtml?tag=contentMain;contentBody
Citation regarding Robertson
Televangelist Pat Robertson said Wednesday that earthquake-ravaged Haiti has been "cursed" by a "pact to the devil."
"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," he said on Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club." "They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."
Robertson said that "ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other" and he contrasted Haiti with its neighbor, the Dominican Republic.
"That island of Hispaniola is one island. It is cut down the middle; on the one side is Haiti on the other is the Dominican Republic," he said. "Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to god and out of this tragedy I'm optimistic something good may come. But right now we are helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/13/pat-robertson-haiti-curse_n_422099.html
Citation regarding Werthmann
Freedoms can disappear in a hurry if we aren't careful
Those of us who sailed past the Statue of Liberty came to a country of unbelievable freedom and opportunity.
I lived in Austria under Adolf Hitler's regime for seven years. Dictatorship did not happen overnight. It was a gradual process starting with national identification cards, which we had to carry with us at all times.
We could not board a bus or train without our ID card. Gun registration followed, with a lot of talk about gun safety and hunting accidents. Since the government already knew who owned firearms, confiscation followed under threat of capital punishment.
Freedom of speech was the next target. Free speech was curtailed with the enforcement of the federal police (Gestapo). With a large network of informers, people were afraid to say anything political, even in their own homes.
The liberal mindset in America has promoted gun control for a long time and is beginning to advocate national identification cards.
Law-abiding American citizens should not have to carry national identification cards. Aliens and non-citizens should be required to carry ID cards. Even their driver's licenses should be different than a citizen's driver's license.
Our government also needs to take strong measures against illegal aliens and tightly close our borders to protect American citizens.
Even though we are in a state of war, we have to protect our civil liberties. While some people need power to secure our freedom, we must be ever-vigilant to maintain a system of checks and balances.
I am sorely disappointed with France and Germany. If it was not for the United States, the French would be speaking German today. And if our troops had not protected Germany, Russian tanks would have rolled all the way to the Rhine River.
How ungrateful those nations are. We have to stand by our country and our troops. I am grateful that our troops are protecting freedom.
America is the greatest country in the world. After America, there is no place to run.
http://www.eagleforum.org/misc/states/articles/2003/werthmann-3-11-03.shtml
Kitty Werthmann
Kitty Werthmann, 77, of Pierre, is president of the South Dakota Eagle Forum. She lobbies the state Legislature on family issues. She has lived in the United States since 1950 and has been a U.S. citizen since 1962
Thursday, June 18, 2009
If Schools Were Only Run Like a Business …
Phone voice message: Welcome to Taco Shell Middle School - where students can receive the best education your money can buy.
For service in English, please press one.
Por servicio in Espanol, dice el numero dos.
Please listen carefully as all of our services have been updated recently.
For faster service, please enter the students ID number. ……..
For a listing of the student's current grades, press or say three.
For a listing of any late school assignments, press or say four.
For a listing of any overdue library fines, press or say five.
For talking with one of our customer satisfaction account representatives, press or say zero. …….
Please be aware that for better service, this call may be recorded. All of our customer satisfaction account representatives are currently busy, but your call will be answered in the order that it was received. ……..
……. (11 minutes, 23 seconds later) …..
Customer satisfaction account representative (hereafter as c.s.a.r. or the phone csar): Welcome, may I have the student’s ID number?
Mother: 132-202-268433
Phone csar: For security purposes, can you tell us what the student’s 2nd grade teacher’s undergraduate college g.p.a. was?
Mother of 132-202-268433: It was only 3.7.
Phone csar: I’m sorry, could you please carry it out two places past the decimal?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Oh, I’m sorry, I think it was 3.72.
Phone csar: Thank you. How may I help you?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yes, I was hoping to be able to talk with my son’s teacher about his geometry homework assignment.
Phone csar: And what is your teacher’s quality control badge number?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Umm, I’m not sure.
Phone csar: Ma’am, it’s difficult to locate the student’s teacher without his c.b.n.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Well, he’s in the math class at the end of the hall on the right side.
Phone csar: Ma’am, I believe Taco Shell Middle School is in Idaho. I’m at our communication center in the Central Time Zone. Ma’am, can you tell me the last four digits of his s.s.n. or his name, last name first, first name last, along with how long he has been in the district?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Umm, yes. I believe this is his first year, and his name is Lee, Frank, errr… Or frankly, if it were reversed, it would be Frank, Lee.
Phone csar: OK Ma’am, I think I have located him. Umm, he’s in class today. Would you like me to have him contact you later this week?
Mother of 132-202-268433: But his project is due tomorrow …
Phone csar: And you waited till today to call? Ma’am, school business requires long-term planning. I see where the school district where your child resides belongs to the Better Business Practices School Organization (B.B.P.S.O.) Those schools are required under Section Roman numeral III, sub-section 5A to give their assignments at least two weeks prior to starting the corresponding chapter.
Mother of 132-202-268433: But we were out of town two weeks ago, and then my son was home sick with the chicken pox.
Phone csar: I’m sorry Ma’am, but we have a business to run. We can’t let one student-unit jeopardize the rest of the class units' production schedule.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Well, what if my son’s illness had been worse, and he had gotten so far behind that he couldn’t catch up on his own?
Phone csar: Fortunately, Ma’am, we have re-routing tracks available for those student-units whose production rates have become sub-standard. Did you need to have the proper paperwork shipped to you to start the process?
Mother of 132-202-268433: What? No!! Absolutely not – I just called to ask some questions about my son’s homework assignment.
Phone csar: Ma’am, did you go online to get fully oriented with Geom–7gr-specproj23?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yeah, but I can never understand all of that technical talk.
Phone csar: Would you like me to transfer you to our special projects support division? We have a special running until the end of the current grading period. At the rate of just $39.95 for the first hour, and then $29.95 for each consecutive hour, you can get help for as long as you or your son needs.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Isn’t that a bit pricey?
Phone csar: Well, we are getting toward the end of the grading period which is one of our busier times. We do take credit or debit cards. Would you like our website where you can get the proper order form?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Uh, no. Again, the assignment is due tomorrow.
Phone csar: Well, keep us in mind next time.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Sure.
Phone csar: Is there any thing else I can do for you today?
Mother of 132-202-268433: No, but thank you. My head’s still trying to take all of this in. It’s a bit confusing …. Oh also, I was also confused about the name. I thought this was Horace Woman Insurance Middle School.
Phone csar: Oh it was, but Horace did not want to re-new their license. So the bid was given to Taco Shell, Incorporated.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Oh I see. I guess I just didn't realize that they had switched Horace in mid-stream.
Phone csar: Yes, I was surprised also that after Fed Ex-lax Middle School had succeeded in being its regular name for over a decade, that Horace Woman Insurance let their policy lapse. Well, don't be shellshocked if Taco Shell is willing to shell out money for licensing long enough for 132-202-268433, 132-202-297222, and 132-202-301278 have all made it through our system.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yes – I hope so.
Phone csar: Ma’am, unless there is anything else, would you be willing to take our total-assured satisfaction survey at the end of this phone call? It won’t take more than 15 minutes to complete, and usually can be done in just one setting. We’ll even enter your name automatically in our weekly drawing of a free one-hour session of homework support - and further - if you complete it within the next five minutes, we will also enter your name for the grand prize of having a personal evening tutor three nights a week for an entire semester. Would you be interested?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Sure. You can never have too much direct instruction!
For service in English, please press one.
Por servicio in Espanol, dice el numero dos.
Please listen carefully as all of our services have been updated recently.
For faster service, please enter the students ID number. ……..
For a listing of the student's current grades, press or say three.
For a listing of any late school assignments, press or say four.
For a listing of any overdue library fines, press or say five.
For talking with one of our customer satisfaction account representatives, press or say zero. …….
Please be aware that for better service, this call may be recorded. All of our customer satisfaction account representatives are currently busy, but your call will be answered in the order that it was received. ……..
……. (11 minutes, 23 seconds later) …..
Customer satisfaction account representative (hereafter as c.s.a.r. or the phone csar): Welcome, may I have the student’s ID number?
Mother: 132-202-268433
Phone csar: For security purposes, can you tell us what the student’s 2nd grade teacher’s undergraduate college g.p.a. was?
Mother of 132-202-268433: It was only 3.7.
Phone csar: I’m sorry, could you please carry it out two places past the decimal?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Oh, I’m sorry, I think it was 3.72.
Phone csar: Thank you. How may I help you?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yes, I was hoping to be able to talk with my son’s teacher about his geometry homework assignment.
Phone csar: And what is your teacher’s quality control badge number?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Umm, I’m not sure.
Phone csar: Ma’am, it’s difficult to locate the student’s teacher without his c.b.n.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Well, he’s in the math class at the end of the hall on the right side.
Phone csar: Ma’am, I believe Taco Shell Middle School is in Idaho. I’m at our communication center in the Central Time Zone. Ma’am, can you tell me the last four digits of his s.s.n. or his name, last name first, first name last, along with how long he has been in the district?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Umm, yes. I believe this is his first year, and his name is Lee, Frank, errr… Or frankly, if it were reversed, it would be Frank, Lee.
Phone csar: OK Ma’am, I think I have located him. Umm, he’s in class today. Would you like me to have him contact you later this week?
Mother of 132-202-268433: But his project is due tomorrow …
Phone csar: And you waited till today to call? Ma’am, school business requires long-term planning. I see where the school district where your child resides belongs to the Better Business Practices School Organization (B.B.P.S.O.) Those schools are required under Section Roman numeral III, sub-section 5A to give their assignments at least two weeks prior to starting the corresponding chapter.
Mother of 132-202-268433: But we were out of town two weeks ago, and then my son was home sick with the chicken pox.
Phone csar: I’m sorry Ma’am, but we have a business to run. We can’t let one student-unit jeopardize the rest of the class units' production schedule.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Well, what if my son’s illness had been worse, and he had gotten so far behind that he couldn’t catch up on his own?
Phone csar: Fortunately, Ma’am, we have re-routing tracks available for those student-units whose production rates have become sub-standard. Did you need to have the proper paperwork shipped to you to start the process?
Mother of 132-202-268433: What? No!! Absolutely not – I just called to ask some questions about my son’s homework assignment.
Phone csar: Ma’am, did you go online to get fully oriented with Geom–7gr-specproj23?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yeah, but I can never understand all of that technical talk.
Phone csar: Would you like me to transfer you to our special projects support division? We have a special running until the end of the current grading period. At the rate of just $39.95 for the first hour, and then $29.95 for each consecutive hour, you can get help for as long as you or your son needs.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Isn’t that a bit pricey?
Phone csar: Well, we are getting toward the end of the grading period which is one of our busier times. We do take credit or debit cards. Would you like our website where you can get the proper order form?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Uh, no. Again, the assignment is due tomorrow.
Phone csar: Well, keep us in mind next time.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Sure.
Phone csar: Is there any thing else I can do for you today?
Mother of 132-202-268433: No, but thank you. My head’s still trying to take all of this in. It’s a bit confusing …. Oh also, I was also confused about the name. I thought this was Horace Woman Insurance Middle School.
Phone csar: Oh it was, but Horace did not want to re-new their license. So the bid was given to Taco Shell, Incorporated.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Oh I see. I guess I just didn't realize that they had switched Horace in mid-stream.
Phone csar: Yes, I was surprised also that after Fed Ex-lax Middle School had succeeded in being its regular name for over a decade, that Horace Woman Insurance let their policy lapse. Well, don't be shellshocked if Taco Shell is willing to shell out money for licensing long enough for 132-202-268433, 132-202-297222, and 132-202-301278 have all made it through our system.
Mother of 132-202-268433: Yes – I hope so.
Phone csar: Ma’am, unless there is anything else, would you be willing to take our total-assured satisfaction survey at the end of this phone call? It won’t take more than 15 minutes to complete, and usually can be done in just one setting. We’ll even enter your name automatically in our weekly drawing of a free one-hour session of homework support - and further - if you complete it within the next five minutes, we will also enter your name for the grand prize of having a personal evening tutor three nights a week for an entire semester. Would you be interested?
Mother of 132-202-268433: Sure. You can never have too much direct instruction!
Monday, April 21, 2008
A Fairy Tale Gone Tragic
Rev. 2/14/07, & 4/21/08
The football coach arrived at the field early before the final home game of the season. Good natured, he planned to see if there were any things needing last-minute help in order to insure everything was complete and ready to go for that evening’s game. As he entered the gate and surveyed the field – the coach stopped and just stared. To his amazement, the field was not lined, the markers were not out, the sidelines had not been roped off, the trash cans had not been emptied, the scoreboard was not on, the benches were missing from the sidelines, the ticket takers were absent, as were the referees, linesmen, police security and the bathrooms and concession stand were locked up. Sprinkler pipes were still on the field, and it was obvious that it had not been mowed any time recently.
The coach was stunned! “How could this be?” he asked himself.
Always before when he showed up, everything was always ready. All he had to do was put the med kit on the bench, look around, nod his head, and feel the satisfaction of having joined the set-up crew as it completed its work.
He looked around. There was nobody there. The athletic director probably was asleep, and the scoreboard operator would be lucky if he showed at before the game started. The coach was completely alone.
Before the coach could walk around exploring to see if he could determine what had happened, several of the football players showed up. They too looked around and were bewildered as to why the field was not ready. At the same time, two school buses pulled into the nearby parking lot, and the visiting football team and other membes of their student body started to unload.
As the coach started to walk over to the bus to talk to the visiting team’s head coach, he stumbled over a pile of teeth. Of all things, there had been a stack of teeth four or five inches high, now kicked and strewn about the 20-yard line. Looking down, the coach noticed that there were actually about another half dozen piles of teeth placed about two yards apart. Now the coach was truly perplexed.
Suddenly it all made sense. When he looked back, he realized that he should have seen it coming. There had been hints, but it was just too outlandish to seriously consider, and he had to admit that he had always pushed the notion away – refusing to give it any serious credibility.
Yet now, the telltale signs could not be denied. The set-up work had not been done, and piles of teeth had been left behind. His worst fears had to have come true. Obviously, he had overlooked the signs of stress and fatigue despite having noticed an increase of errors and omissions. But his coaching staff and players had been able to cover over the mistakes so that nobody else knew what was happening.
And then it occurred to him, if piles of teeth were being deposited here, what was being left under pillows in hundreds of children’s bedrooms? Surely, yardline markers, footballs, medical kit ice packs, and/or walkie-talkies weren’t being deposited in various homes throughout the county. Yet deep down, he knew that could very well be the case.
Who knew the cause, or at what point it could no longer be hidden? What caused him finally to snap – to lose touch with reality? And further, was there any hope of returning things to the way they were? Because if not, how in the world would the field be prepared for future games? If the athletic fairy continued to lose touch with reality and revert back to his previous position as a former regional tooth fairy – there would be no way that the football field would ever be ready for any future games – ever again.
Well, unless maybe the coaches, players, volunteers – along with the athletic director and field manager – worked together to prepare the field before the game – as well as also helping with the clean up afterward – maybe, just maybe, they could actually still get the fields ready. But actually, that was just “crazy” thinking – the coach quickly regained his senses and concluded that the athletic fairy simply would have to be cured – there just wasn’t any other realistic option for getting things done other than with the usual magic by the athletic fairy.
With the basketball season quickly approaching, it was obvious to the football coach that the basketball program would simply have to do without until the athletic fairy had had time to recover and once again was back to his old self! But first, the football needed the athletic fairy to hurry and get the football field ready – now! After all, if enough people simply wanted it to happen – how could any truly good fairy withhold the magic?
The football coach arrived at the field early before the final home game of the season. Good natured, he planned to see if there were any things needing last-minute help in order to insure everything was complete and ready to go for that evening’s game. As he entered the gate and surveyed the field – the coach stopped and just stared. To his amazement, the field was not lined, the markers were not out, the sidelines had not been roped off, the trash cans had not been emptied, the scoreboard was not on, the benches were missing from the sidelines, the ticket takers were absent, as were the referees, linesmen, police security and the bathrooms and concession stand were locked up. Sprinkler pipes were still on the field, and it was obvious that it had not been mowed any time recently.
The coach was stunned! “How could this be?” he asked himself.
Always before when he showed up, everything was always ready. All he had to do was put the med kit on the bench, look around, nod his head, and feel the satisfaction of having joined the set-up crew as it completed its work.
He looked around. There was nobody there. The athletic director probably was asleep, and the scoreboard operator would be lucky if he showed at before the game started. The coach was completely alone.
Before the coach could walk around exploring to see if he could determine what had happened, several of the football players showed up. They too looked around and were bewildered as to why the field was not ready. At the same time, two school buses pulled into the nearby parking lot, and the visiting football team and other membes of their student body started to unload.
As the coach started to walk over to the bus to talk to the visiting team’s head coach, he stumbled over a pile of teeth. Of all things, there had been a stack of teeth four or five inches high, now kicked and strewn about the 20-yard line. Looking down, the coach noticed that there were actually about another half dozen piles of teeth placed about two yards apart. Now the coach was truly perplexed.
Suddenly it all made sense. When he looked back, he realized that he should have seen it coming. There had been hints, but it was just too outlandish to seriously consider, and he had to admit that he had always pushed the notion away – refusing to give it any serious credibility.
Yet now, the telltale signs could not be denied. The set-up work had not been done, and piles of teeth had been left behind. His worst fears had to have come true. Obviously, he had overlooked the signs of stress and fatigue despite having noticed an increase of errors and omissions. But his coaching staff and players had been able to cover over the mistakes so that nobody else knew what was happening.
And then it occurred to him, if piles of teeth were being deposited here, what was being left under pillows in hundreds of children’s bedrooms? Surely, yardline markers, footballs, medical kit ice packs, and/or walkie-talkies weren’t being deposited in various homes throughout the county. Yet deep down, he knew that could very well be the case.
Who knew the cause, or at what point it could no longer be hidden? What caused him finally to snap – to lose touch with reality? And further, was there any hope of returning things to the way they were? Because if not, how in the world would the field be prepared for future games? If the athletic fairy continued to lose touch with reality and revert back to his previous position as a former regional tooth fairy – there would be no way that the football field would ever be ready for any future games – ever again.
Well, unless maybe the coaches, players, volunteers – along with the athletic director and field manager – worked together to prepare the field before the game – as well as also helping with the clean up afterward – maybe, just maybe, they could actually still get the fields ready. But actually, that was just “crazy” thinking – the coach quickly regained his senses and concluded that the athletic fairy simply would have to be cured – there just wasn’t any other realistic option for getting things done other than with the usual magic by the athletic fairy.
With the basketball season quickly approaching, it was obvious to the football coach that the basketball program would simply have to do without until the athletic fairy had had time to recover and once again was back to his old self! But first, the football needed the athletic fairy to hurry and get the football field ready – now! After all, if enough people simply wanted it to happen – how could any truly good fairy withhold the magic?
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