Leave No Patient Dead

This is a re-print of an article that I wrote and was published in the Washington Education Association's WE monthly journal in December 2003:

Leave No Patient Dead

Reporter M. Naive
with apologies to Art Buckwald

An interview with Surgeon General Undersecretary Phil N. Blank

Reporter M. Naive: First of all, congratulations on your promotion from Assistant to the Undersecretary of Education to Surgeon General Undersecretary.

Undersecretary Blank: Thanks.

Reporter M. Naive: What prompted you to move to the political realm of health from public education?

Undersecretary Blank: Well, after our success with passage of the ESEA, the “leave no child behind” act, which insures that all public school students will meet standards within 12 years, I needed a new challenge.

Reporter M. Naive: And so that is why you authored the AMA, “leave no patient dead” act?

Undersecretary Blank: Yes, precisely, more or less.

Reporter M. Naive: How did you convince the White House to sponsor this bill? What made you think that you knew more about medicine than our nation’s doctors?

Undersecretary Blank: Well, President Bush himself explained to us that since almost all Americans at one time or another have self-prescribed headache medicine, put band-aids on family members, or used a thermometer, that we were just as qualified to critique doctors as was anyone, who ever coached little league sports, a Sunday School class, or taught a child to tie her shoes, qualified to critique public school teachers. The president is clearly a man of vision!

Reporter M. Naive: Explain for our readers the key component of the AMA.

Undersecretary Blank: Basically, just as we have legislated that public schools will have all students up to standard within 12 years, we no longer are going to tolerate doctors who can’t cure all patients. Simply put, all medical practices are going to be expected to cure any patient, no matter the injury, condition or mental status.

Reporter M. Naive: Other than guiding passage of the Bush Administration’s bill through Congress, how exactly can you guarantee that all patients will indeed be cured?

Undersecretary Blank: Well, thanks to legislators in Washington State who introduced a bill that would have mandated teaching phonics for any fourth-grade students not passing their state assessment, we have hit upon the idea that any patients not cured within 48 hours, will be medicated with penicillin.

Reporter M. Naive: All patients?

Undersecretary Blank: Sure! Just as we know that all student problems in reading are attributed to phonics, we have come to realize that penicillin is the perfect cure for infections, broken arms, stomach ulcers, strokes, and the common cold. Sheer genius!

Reporter M. Naive: Will there be any other consequences?

Undersecretary Blank: Definitely! Any medical practice failing to cure all ills will be taken over by “charter clinics.” They will be staffed only by self-appointed doctors that have not been tainted with university training and state licensing procedures.

Reporter M. Naive: But won’t this cause a shortage of people willing to join the medical profession?

Undersecretary Blank: Nah, just as in public education, we firmly believe that raising teacher certification standards, establishing high-stakes student assessments, while withdrawing financial support will cure all educational ills, we can do the same with doctors. You just have to be firm and set the right tone. The president has assured us it will work.

Reporter M. Naive: This is so fantastic! But after the AMA passes, what will you do?

Undersecretary Blank: Well, the President pulled me aside recently, and talked to me about creating similar legislation that would guarantee that no business will be allowed to fail, go bankrupt, or have declining shares on the stock market.